Upset
by thecinnamonroll-varian
Summary: Just a collection of fics where Varian is upset. Lots of angst. Sometimes hurt/comfort. Hope ya enjoy!
1. Fake Smile Chapter 1

Varian wasn't one to admit when he was hurting. In fact, he preferred to just ignore it and treat it like a mild inconvenience. Get a little bit annoyed at the feelings that he'd be better off without, then simply act like they weren't there. Now, of course he'd prefer to actually just not feel bad, or that he could have some form for comfort, and when he was younger both of those used to be the case, but after the whole thing with the amber, he had really just gotten used to dealing with his problems alone. Sometimes even letting himself be consumed by his feelings, but he couldn't really do that now, as he was supposed to be a good guy.

Yeah... he was supposed to be a good guy, he reminded himself, as his fists tensed and his face felt hot with a burning anger he never asked for. An anger he couldn't get rid of. An anger that he could never tell anyone about because what wouldn't they think of him? They'd hate him. So Varian didn't speak. He just stayed quiet, trying to bury it deeper and deeper.

Until, one day, it was too much, and he just couldn't hide it. Rapunzel had been sending him worried looks the whole morning, trying to push a bit to figure out what was wrong, while Varian time and time again insisted that he was fine. He really wasn't, but if he told her, he'd be all alone again. He was sure of it.

It was going well with acting fine for a little while, then Eugene made some stupid joke about whatever, Varian didn't even remember, and Varian had lost it. He hadn't even said anything, just got up, left and slammed the door so hard that he was surprised it didn't break. He didn't even know he had that kind of strength in him, but apparently he had.

He had walked the whole way home from the castle, not even paying any mind to anything, just walking. His whole body tense with anger. Getting home he ignored his dad's greeting, walking straight to his room, just wanting to get away from everyone and everything. He felt like punching something, but instead he threw himself on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. As he did, he suddenly felt all his anger disappear, as he felt despair, sadness and exhaustion wash over him as his pillow turned wet. He laid there on his bed for hours, just crying his eyes out, wishing that everything would just go away.

After a while he Ruddiger's small paw against his side, as Ruddiger squeezed under his arm to lay eith him, giving out comforting chitters. Varian cried into his fur, letting himself be comforted by Ruddiger's presence. When his dad came to check on him later that night he was fast asleep andthe tear stains on his cheeks had dried.

When Varian woke up, he thought that he had once again managed to successfully hide his feelings from everyone else, and so he wasn't expecting Rapunzel to come by to check on him the next morning.

Varian was in the middle of fiddling around in his lap, doing small nothings, as a voice broke him out of his thoughts. "Hey." Varian flinched, taken by surprise by the sudden sound.

"Oh, hey, Rapunzel." He faked a smile, confident that it looked real. "What are you doing here?"

Rapunzel blinked. Not sure what to think. She'd prepared herself for a few different scenarios, but none of them had included Varian being seemingly fine. Mad? Maybe. Sad? Most likely. But alright? After his reaction yesterday? Not exactly. "I... I came to check on you. You left quite sudden yesterday, so I wanted to make sure you were feeling okay..?"

"Oh, yeah I'm doing fine, sorry. I just wasnt feeling so well yesterday." He gave out a small laugh. Sure that he'd sold it, Rapunzel didn't seem convinced though. She gave him a doubtful look, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "Varian," she tried to catch his eyes, while he pretended that the bird flying by outside was a thousand times more interesting. "you know that you can talk to me if something is wrong, right?" Yeah sure he could. And then never again, because she'd hate him. Be scared of him.

"Yeah I know." He gave her a bright smile, finally meeting her eyes. "I'm fine though. No need to worry." She gave his shoulder a tight squeeze.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Yeah, nothing personal, I'm just a bit busy."

"And you're sure everything is fine?"

He gave her a reassuring smile, they both knew it was a lie, but she gave him a tight hug, then she left. After all, what else could she do, if he didn't want to talk?


	2. Fake Smile Chapter 2

Varian wouldn't admit it, but he was fully aware that in his attempt to be least problematic and in the way as possible, he'd ended up making everything worse when he'd pushed Rapunzel away. He didn't really know what to do about it though, since he'd probably make it, somehow, even worse than that, if he told her why he was upset. She'd hate him. Everyone would. And he wouldn't blame them. He deserved it.

That didn't mean that he wanted it though, and then not saying anything at all and making them hate him for that, instead of them hating him for being a terrible person, suddenly seemed easier. But he did feel guilty about pushing Rapunzel away. Mostly because she'd seemed rather hurt by it.

He took in a deep breath, absently petting Ruddiger, who was resting protectively around his neck. He had to talk with her.

She'd hate him, but at least she would understand why she should. He could live with that, right? When he finally found himself at the bottom of the stair to the castle, he suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to turn around and run, but he knew he couldn't. He owed it to Rapunzel to tell her the truth, to let her get the choice to hate him.

A voice behind him snapped him out of his thoughts. "Varian!" He turned around, to see Rapunzel smiling brightly at him. Though he was pretty sure he could spot a look of concern just underneath the surface. She finally reached him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He wanted to accept the comfort. To let himself be consumed by it, but he couldn't. That wouldn't be fair. He pushed her away, as gently as possible. Looking away from her. "Princess, we need to talk." He threw a discreet glance at her, his chest tightening as he saw her worried expression. Why did he do this to her? Why did he always hurt everyone??

"Varian." she tried to place her hand on his shoulder, but he pushed it off. Ignoring her hurt expression. "In private, please?" He asked. Gesturing to the few people working in the garden. "Of course."

When inside her room, Varian couldn't help but look around at all the paintings she'd painted on the walls and ceiling. He felt as if the air got knocked out of him, when he saw the painting from that day when everything had gone down. The memories of the whole fight and everything leading up to it overwhelming him.

He sucked in a shaky breath, feeling his heart beat rapidly in his chest, as if he'd just run from his life. The fact that he knew what that felt like-

"Varian?" Rapunzel looked as if she wanted to reach out to him again, but she seemed to have finally understood that he would just push her away again. Varian absentmindedly stared at the painting on the wall, feeling his eyes sting. Rapunzel followed his gaze. Feeling realization hit her like a brick in her face.

"Rapunzel," he forced himself to look at her, before he spoke again. His voice hoarse as ever. "about what I did. About everything I've done," He sucked in another shaky breath, trying to get control over his breathing. "I'm sorry." His voice cracked and the dam broke. He hugged himself tight, as if he was trying to hold himself together. He had so much more he wanted to say, but words wouldn't come out.

Rapunzel pulled him into another hug. She didn't know what else to do. She gave out a sigh of relief when returned it. Holding onto her tightly, as if he was afraid she'd leave any moment. "Varian," she ran her hand through his hair, holding him tighter. "I've forgiven you long ago for all that, you know?" Her voice was so soft and loving. Varian gave out a big sob, almost holding onto her to the point of it hurting, but she didn't push him away.

"You don't get... you don't get it." He cried angrily. Pushing slightly away from her. Looking her in the eyes. She had to understand. "You shouldn't... you shouldn't forgive me." He struggled to breathe, trying to find the words. Rapunzel grapped his hand, squeezing it lightly. "Rapunzel, I'm awful, I... I have so many horrible thoughts. I can't get rid of them. I've..." pulled his hand to him, once again hugging himself tightly. "I've tried sO mUch and I just... cAn't." His voice cracked again, as he curled into himself even more.

Rapunzel just looked at him, completely at a loss. She wasn't sure what he wanted her to do. Or more importantly, what he needed her to do. "If you..." she thought for a moment. "If you need to talk. If you want to talk. I'm here, Varian." She said this, almost pleading. She didn't know what he was dealing with, but she just got Cass back, she wasn't about to loose another friend. He just looked at her with an empty stare.

"If I tell you, you'll hate me." He seemed as if he wanted to say more, but he stopped. "I won't." She assured him. He shook his head lightly. An emotionless expression on his face. "You can't promise that, princess."

They sat there for a while, in complete silence. The only sound being Varian's way too fast breathing.

"I'm so angry at you." He finally admitted. Choking back a sob. "I don't want to be, but I can't... I can't help it." Rapunzel just sat there, waiting for him to speak again. Ignoring the sting in her chest. "I was so alonE. The whole time after the... the snOwstOrm." He cursed his constant voice cracks, but he couldn't really control it. "I felt so alone. I kept hoping... hOping yoU'd come, but yoU... didn't." He pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them tight. "Then I was alone in prison. I hated you, but I... I felt sO alOnE." He threw a quick glance at her, before looking away again.

"I'm jalous of Cassandra." He whispered. Trying desperately to keep his voice steady. "She... I'm happy she got saved and forgiven, but I... people wanted her back. People fought for her... not... not agAinst her... people wanted her back. No one could've cared less about what happened to me..." he took a deep breath. "Not that I blamE anYonE."

"Varian, I am so sorry for that I let you down. I wish I could go back, but..." she took his hand again, giving it another squeeze. "Varian, I don't expect you to be able to forgive me. It's okay."

"You don't hate me?" Rapunzel felt her heart sting at the surprise and relief in his voice. She shook her head. Squeezing his hand a bit tighter. "I could never hate you, Varian. Never. You're one of my best friends." Varian gave out a loud sob, clumsily throwing himself into her arms, but she didn't mind. She just held him close.

Maybe it was okay. Maybe they'd be okay. Yeah... they'd be okay


	3. Being fine, aka no one knows otherwise

Varian felt the way too familiar anger, bitterness and hurt sneaking up on him as soon as he woke up, but he ignored it. Maybe he wasn't even aware that he knew it was there, but he knew. He felt it, in the way his whole body tensed. In the way he just wanted to scream whenever anyone spoke to him in the way his thoughts would spiral at any small inconvenience. He didn't tell anyone tho, he just tried to act as him normal, not terrible self, but it was starting to get pretty hard, as he felt himself getting more and more frustrated.

At first he'd at least tried to be around people, just ignoring that horrible feeling in the back of his mind. Acting all cheery and probably overdoing it, more than usual, but it had worked. People bought it. Bow though, he couldn't do that, as he genuinely felt like he was gonna murder the next person who dared speak to him. No matter what they wanted to talk about, he'd find a problem with it, and he knew it.

He'd pretty much barricaded his door, and was currently hiding in his room. He buried his head in his hands, giving out a shaky breath. Everything was just way too much right now. He was way too much. Why did he have to exist? He shouldn't-

This is when normal people would've probably started crying, he thought, as he pressed his hands against his face, his whole body tense, but of course he didn't. He shook his head, biting his lip, damning himself for being too cowardly to bite harder. He wanted it to hurt, but as always, he was afraid of the consequences. He deserved the consequences though. More than anyone.

He sucked in a shaky breath, through gritted teeth, letting out a small whimper. Why did he have to be like this? Why couldn't the thoughts just go away? He was trying so so hard to do better, but even then, after all this time, all it took was a few nights with a little less sleep and those awful thoughts were back. A few nights... that was all it took, and he was back to being a monster...

The dam finally broke, as everything in him shattered. He let go of a loud sob, trying desperately to muffle it with his sleeve. Not that anyone would hear him. They wouldn't. And even if they didn't. They wouldn't care. He wouldn't let them. After all, it wouldn't be fair, to let them worry about a monster. Varian bit hard down on his sleeve, choking another sob. He was fine.


	4. Nightmares

Varian felt the sickening dizziness wash over him, as he pulled out the knife, watching Rapunzel fall to her knees in agony. He laughed until he could barely breathe, then he kept laughing, as the world started spinning around and as amber started creeping up through the cracks in the floor. The echo of his laughter still hung in the air, as he and Rapunzel's lifeless body got encased in the amber.

He awoke to the sound of laughter. A cold, evil laughter, making a chill run through his body and making him cringe in fear. He froze as he suddenly realized, that the laughter was his. As the realization and content of the dream hit him all at once, he shot up in bed, clawing at his chest as his laughter turned into a whimper. He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe, as the image of Rapunzel's lifeless body being incased by the amber seemed to be burned into his mind to never disappear.

As he sat there, struggling to regain control over his breathing, still clawing desperately at his chest, he had to actually figure out whether that was just a nightmare or... he didn't dare finish that thought. He hugged himself tightly, digging his nails into his skin, as he felt hot tears fall down his cheeks. He bit his lip harshly, holding back a whimper. Everything hurt, his heart was beating so fast against his chest, he felt his nails break his skin with a painful burn, but still he didn't let go, struggling to breathe as his crying turned desperate, almost hysterical, and even then, he didn't make a sound. There was no reason to bother anyone.

Varian had no idea how long he sat there. Seconds? Hours? Days? Weeks? He didn't know. Didn't even notice the time passing, but as the sun rose over the horizon, he finally passed out from the exhausted from crying all night, still hugging himself tightly, breathing still somewhat way too fast and uneven.


End file.
